Overcoming Shame and Conflict

When I listened to Dev Bootcamp's talk about the compass of shame a few months ago, it really resonated with me. It discussed the different ways people can often respond to criticism with a feeling of shame, and how that shame manifests itself behaviorally. The four ends of the compass of shame are withdrawal, attacking the self, avoidance, and attacking another person.

I remember learning about these responses and thinking to myself, "Yep. I do all of those." The good news is, once you realize that shame is taking over, it allows you to take a step back and look at yourself and the situation objectively. Insecurity is one of the biggest things that distorts perception. Admitting that your immediate emotional response is skewed can help you to take those instinctive emotions a little less seriously. This way, you can begin to take control of how you want to respond, both behaviorally and cognitively within yourself.

One of my best friends has been my roommate for over four and a half years. But even she and I have had a few conflicts over the years. Every now and then, we like to jokingly reminisce about the worst fight we have ever gotten into, which we now refer to as "The Mushroom Incident". It was 2 years ago. And it all started with a tomato-basil-parmesan stuffed Portobello mushroom. The backstory isn't really necessary, nor would it make The Great Mushroom Debate of 2012 seem any less ridiculous.

The reality is, the fight was not about a mushroom at all. It was several weeks before we would be graduating from college. We were both pretty terrified about what the next stage of life would look like. At the time, I felt very ashamed when I compared myself to other classmates who had plans for grad school or a job lined up. And so, with shame and fear building up in both of us (and in this case, sleep deprivation), we both eventually snapped. One small miscommunication led to a disproportionate response of anger. And that anger led to more anger and confusion. I remember feeling very angry because I had no idea why we were fighting. I felt like there was no way I could defend myself with rational logic. So, ruling out rationality, I also became very irrational. Even though we shared a bedroom at the time, we were both so mad that she ended up sleeping on the couch.

I think the biggest lesson from The Mushroom Incident is that conflicts often have nothing to do with the supposed source of conflict (i.e., a mushroom). They often have to do with deeper insecurities. I continued to fight with my friend because I felt like I was not being seen clearly. I think one way to help combat the feeling of being misunderstood or unseen is humility. The reality is, sometimes people will not see you for who you are. They will not always hear what you are trying to say. The best you can do is try to express yourself clearly, and accept that it's okay if someone doesn't understand you perfectly.

Ideally, everyone would be compassionate and patient enough to see and understand others clearly. I can hopefully learn to be a more compassionate and patient person, which can help resolve conflicts or miscommunications. Part of the hard part is trusting that being the "bigger person" will actually resolve the conflict. It might not. It might just make you feel more vulnerable. But there are also times when it will be very effective. And eventually, you hopefully reach a point where having integrity is more important than been perceived the way you want to.

It can be hard to let go if your sense of self is shaped heavily by what others think. But, in the words of Abed from Community, "When you really know who you are, changing for other people isn't such a big deal."